Ya’ir, 25 years old, has been dating Mor for almost a year. He loves her deeply and believes she will be a good wife for him and an excellent mother to his children. However, he finds himself feeling uncomfortable and angry about the decision of whether to marry her. He cannot stop thinking that he could find another partner, one who is smarter than Mor. Mor has an academic degree and high intelligence, but Ya’ir’s recurring thought is that she is not smart enough. Every time he meets and talks to other women, he cannot stop thinking that they are smarter than her, and maybe he could find a more intelligent partner. He realizes that he has a problem, but he cannot get rid of these thoughts, which occupy his mind most of the day. These thoughts make him restless, preventing him from enjoying Mor’s company and making the decision of whether to marry her.
ROCD is a specific manifestation of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), defined as an obsessive-compulsive disorder surrounding relationships. In this disorder, obsessive symptoms appear in interpersonal relationships, most commonly with a partner. In this condition, intrusive thoughts focus on the partner’s flaws or on repeatedly examining the quality of the relationship—“Is my partner the right one for me?” “Did I make the right choice?” This focus on flaws can become obsessive, hindering the ability to form and stabilize a relationship. The obsessive thoughts may occupy the person suffering from the disorder most of the day, significantly impairing their daily functioning. In a relationship where one partner is dealing with this disorder, the partner’s flaws may overshadow the entire relationship, preventing the person from developing a healthy partnership.
In typical relationships, questions about the quality of the relationship and the traits of a partner do arise, such as “Is this the right person for me?” or “Did I make the right choice?” However, for someone without this disorder, these questions arise at a lower intensity and, typically, an internal sense of reassurance and certainty about the choice eventually forms. On the other hand, in a relationship where one partner struggles with this disorder, preoccupation with these questions becomes obsessive and intrusive, disrupting the relationship. The affected partner might constantly search for answers to these troubling questions, but the answers usually fail to bring any relief or provide only momentary peace. The sufferer may develop compulsive behaviors and avoidances that perpetuate and exacerbate the disorder, such as frequent consultations with others to gain approval regarding their partner or the relationship, or avoidance of encounters with the partner.
Unfortunately, some individuals with this disorder create relationships repeatedly with different partners but fail to develop a healthy, long-lasting relationship. In every new relationship, the compulsive preoccupation with questions about the relationship and the partner’s traits will recur, and the obsessive preoccupation with the partner’s flaws will be disproportionate.
In this type of OCD, the object becomes the subject. The partner—an individual with their own unique personality—turns into something that needs to be “cleaned” or “checked” to relieve distress. In other words, the partner becomes an object of reassurance for the person suffering from the disorder.
Awareness of this form of OCD is extremely low in the therapeutic field, and traditional therapy or couple’s counseling not tailored to this disorder may actually worsen the situation. For example, Ya’ir, who was unable to decide whether to marry Mor or break up with her, sought classic psychological therapy, in which he tried to understand what from his childhood made him search for a smarter partner, and explored his relationship with his mother to find clues for solving his indecision. Additionally, Ya’ir and Mor sought couples therapy, but Ya’ir left the sessions feeling guilty for not being able to accept Mor as she is. Unfortunately, these treatments only deepened the obsessive thoughts, giving them validity and reinforcement. The correct treatment for this disorder involves cognitive-behavioral techniques (CBT), which can be very helpful for sufferers of this condition. Even couples therapy needs to be specifically tailored when one partner is dealing with this disorder.
It is worth noting that this disorder can also occur in other types of relationships, beyond romantic ones, such as in parent-child relationships, friendships, and more.